I was approached for help. There was desperation
and a sense that she was on the edge of giving
up. She described great pain and little sleep and constant
harassment by demons. I made plans along with several others
to go to her house to pray. The night before our appointment
the Lord gave me a picture of what it is like for my very
abused and fearful clients to allow me to work with them.
In my dream as I’m leaving the house and the dog next
door is barking excitedly. I could tell he wanted my attention.
When I approached he cowered and ran in the opposite direction
with his tail between his legs. I called to him but he just
looked at me and quivered. I turned to walk away and he
began to bark for my attention. As I turned to face him
he went the other way. I just bent over and patted my leg
and called “here boy, come on”. The back door
of the neighbor’s house opened; a man walked briskly
to the middle of the yard and grabbed the chain at the steak.
He began pulling the dog toward him as he reeled the chain
in hand over hand. As I watched the dog was resistant to
the pulling. The owner grabbed the dog’s collar and
in one motion raised his hand, clinched his fist and shouted,
“I told you to shut up!!” as he smashed the dog
between the eyes. The dog fell lifelessly to the ground.
All of my emotions were very real. I felt a great amount
of grief but now understood perfectly why this dog couldn’t
trust anyone.
I
work with clients who need personal attention very badly.
It is the cry
of their heart. Yet their overwhelming experience is much
like what happened to the dog in my dream. It is difficult
to describe the devastation many of my clients need to recover
from. How can it ever be different for them? You see most
of us would have a good idea of what to do with a scruffy
puppy, but we don’t know what to do with someone who
is so wounded and broken. Can you help us? Would you pray?
Would you support us financially? Many of the clients I
now minister to don’t have any capacity to pay for
their ministry or make donation toward their own healing.
The need is great. We have more clients
than we have resources.
The
Disorganized Dance
"She loves me, she loves
me not, she loves me, she loves me not." I sometimes
wonder if this is how God feels about the disorganized dance
I so often do with Him. We talk a lot about attachment pain
here in community. It can manifest in so many different
ways. God intended our parents to model healthy attachments
for us, resulting in future relationships that are secure
and trusting. They allow for give and take, and are characterized
by an absence of fear (fear of abandonment, disappointment,
failure, etc.) But so often our parents were not healthy
themselves, or even worse they purposely created unhealthy
bonding in their children.
Distracted attachment is easy to spot. These
are people who seem to only take, to never get enough, and
can easily drain the people they are attached to. Usually
this happens because mom didn't know how to synchronize
with their emotions. The child exists to fulfill the mother's
emotional needs, not the child's. Mom may be very affectionate
and giving, but not know when to stop. Have you ever been
overwhelmed by someone giving affection and just need to
take a break? This happens in babies too. God created our
brains to need breaks after joy. The break is just as important
as the joy. But if when baby looks away because she's had
enough and mom is insecure (she is afraid the baby doesn't
like her anymore) this insecure mom will force the baby
to look at her and continue receiving. Other times mom is
emotionally absent when baby needs her and doesn't recognize
baby's need for bonding. This creates a child who is always
"on", always looking for bonding, always needing
to be seen. Baby is never sure when mom will be able to
give so she just learns to keep her attachment light on
all the time. She will never learn to rest! And if you don't
learn to rest as a baby, you will not know how to do it
as an adult. These adults look clingy and draining. In reality
they just need a secure bond that will teach them how to
rest. They need to know that if you leave, you will come
back and your feelings for them haven't changed.
Dismissive attachment is a bit harder to
recognize. Dismissive people are often highly functional
and efficient, and receive leadership roles because they're
so effective at accomplishing tasks. But when it comes to
relationships, their light is "off". Their parents
didn't see that their children needed attachment, or refused
to give it when it was needed. This is incredibly painful
to a baby, and eventually baby learns to just turn off their
need for bonding. It never really goes away. It just gets
buried. These are people who don't know how to do relationships.
Eventually their leadership roles may falter because the
people they are leading need connection and relationship,
and they don't know how to do it.
Then there is disorganized attachment. This
happens when a child has to bond with the one they fear.
Without some kind of bonding an infant will die, as a famous
study so vividly illustrated. So even if the attachment
is unhealthy, a baby needs to bond somehow. And if it's
with someone who is scary, it produces the kind of attachment
that looks like a war between love and hate. Relationships
are downright scary! It can sound like this: "Do I
want to be with this person? Can I trust them? What is their
motive? I'll bet if I get too close they'll just hurt me."
They may even lash out at someone who is trying to reach
out to them. Extreme distrust of motivation and purpose
characterizes the disorganized dance.
I have found that recently I am working
out my disorganized relationship with God. I have a deep
mistrust of his intentions toward me. I realized that I
don't trust His heart. Isn't that what happened to Eve in
the garden? She wasn't disorganized (how could she be?),
but she did distrust God's heart toward her. She was swayed
by the serpent's temptation, thinking God must be holding
back something good from her. I think this age old doubt
is manifested even more severely when bonding has been damaged.
God has become scary. Why did He allow these awful things
to happen to me? What are His intentions toward me? Who
is He anyway? Can He be trusted to be good all the time?
Or does He change and become evil on a whim?
The astonishing thing to me is God lets
me do this "dance" with Him. I approach Him with
enthusiasm, then run away in fear. Then I realize I really
do want to be with Him and I come back, only to become terrified
again and run away. I get so frustrated with myself sometimes!
But God's refusal to invade my space is healing my relationship
with Him. He actually lets me go back and forth, and doesn't
condemn me for doing so. I'm not talking about going and
sinning, but about running and hiding from Him (as if we
can really hide from Him). Remember how God asked Adam and
Eve why they were hiding? He knew exactly where they were,
but He wasn't about to invade their shame and overwhelm
their nakedness without their permission. They needed to
say "Here we are". Then God clothed them and gave
them a promise of redemption. A promise of healing. I'm
not running and hiding because of my sin, but the concept
is the same. God will not overwhelm me with His presence.
He will not even come close without my permission. He knows
I need time to realize that He will not change, that His
intention and heart towards me are good.
I long for closeness with God, for a relationship
that is not characterized by fear but by love. I'm getting
there. Slowly. He is letting me take it at my pace. And
because of that I am learning to trust Him. He really won't
overwhelm my space without my permission. How different
from the past, from those who continually overwhelmed me
with their abuse and emotional neediness. It makes me want
to know Him. It makes me less afraid.
I see you hiding in the corner
If you're small enough maybe no one will see
Lift up your head little one
Look up and see where you are
I will never violate your heart
I will never come closer than you allow
I'll wait here across the room
Until you say it's okay
I long to be your safety and your comfort
But I won't come unless you say
I love you too much to force myself on you.
You've had enough of that already
If you can bear one look at Me
You'll see I mean what I say
Will you trust Me with your heart?
I know where all the broken pieces are hiding
I can find them and bring them rescue too
But no, I won't force you
I'll wait here quietly, across the room
You can even leave if you want, the door is open
I'll be here waiting.
Take hold of My garment
Grasp hard to Me
One touch and you'll see
One touch will heal
I am your freedom
I am your song
I am your life
I long for you.
~By A.G.
